Post Natal Mind F#$k

My little 3 year old gets eczema on her cheek, and I think I’ve finally worked out what causes it. It’s not food allergies or hayfever or soap. It’s me.

I’m struggling at the moment.

I’m working more and the housework is  piling up. I’m still not getting a decent sleep at night because my 13mo is a wakeful little blighter. My ‘freakouts’ have been occurring a little too often and I feel anxious a lot. So the doctor upped my yippee pills, although it’s still a very low dose.

My little girl gets so stressed seeing me freak, that it seems to manifest in this intense rash on her face. It acts as a bit of a reminder for me, too, that my actions have a direct effect on her, that I need to stop, and make sure she understands that it isn’t her fault and that I still love her and her brother ever so much.  Kids take in and on everything.

I think the new dose kicked in properly today. Things are just starting to feel a bit more balanced. There seems to be  cross-over period where everything gets a bit chaotic for a couple of days: it happened when I first went on the medication, too. I had more freakouts, and was absolutely dog-tired.

The nature of the freak-outs has changed: before I started medication they would sneak up on me, wild, manic, almost primitive. Now they are more repressed, angry, but I am quicker to gain control and calm myself and I get a lot more warning, so I can try to step away from the kids so they don’t see me being scary. I do scare them. I know I can be very scary. And that makes me feel horrid.

I think I expected that the PND would clear up when my son turned one. Not sure why, or what the logic was. Probably because that was when I started to feel better the first time around, with my daughter – she turned one, I was finally getting sleep and things were much easier for me. You can’t rush these things, though.

I only hope I’m not f#$king up my kids too much.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Pratik Gupte
    Aug 31, 2012 @ 11:58:13

    I’m a man, so I can never understand what a mum feels. But believe me you, a mum will always do what is best for her children. And Im very sure u will as well. And the fact that u are aware of the problem almost solves it.
    Best of luck my friend 🙂

    Reply

  2. The Laotian Commotion
    Sep 09, 2012 @ 17:03:54

    I bet you’re doing the very absolute best you can. Much love, mama! It’s so hard feeling the brunt of something we want to make or fix better especially when it comes to our babes.

    Good luck but I bet you’ll know exactly what to do.

    Reply

  3. lissa
    Sep 11, 2012 @ 05:43:09

    Thanks – the yippee pills are kicking nicely now, so coping better, plus we’ve had some lovely, sunny Spring weather which helps a huge amount.
    and the kids are very forgiving!

    Reply

  4. Trackback: Imposter Syndrome | everybodylovesstring

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